Confessions of a pirate

When I say I hate being sick, it’s an understatement. Our health is one of those gifts you don’t know you have been given until it’s gone. Until it’s you walking through doors labeled “oncology”.

While that word hasn’t loomed in front of me personally recently, my little family trio has faced 3 back to back sicknesses this past month and while I hate being sick, I hate my son being sick even more. Oh, wait 4. Today (the day I write this), I woke up with probably pink eye. I currently type this with a fabric headband around my eye so I don’t use it or abuse it.

Yesterday I was done. I was so sick of being sick. And now pirate me just sits at her desk on her lunch break and laughs. Like, of course, my eye was glued shut this morning. Our son probably sneezed on me yesterday, or I sneezed on myself, and then wiped my eye.

But speaking of yesterday…

I had a moment yesterday where a thought came into my mind and I sat on it. I sat there in that pond of mucky thoughts, with no fresh water thinking in and no intentional output of the filth. I sat deep in the pond of self-pity, loathing, bitterness, anger, frustration, and selfishness. I won’t go into detail but it was bad.

Outward, I was okay. Minus a residual passing coughing attack, I appeared normal me. But inside me was, well, muck. I sat in the parking lot of my appointment and cried a good cry, letting the emotions run their course. Then it hit me how mucky the muck was. So I got out my journal and bowed low. According to the Bible, I believe in, sin is still sin even in the mind. Whether it’s this muck or someone physically murdering someone, it all put Jesus on the cross. We, humans, tend to believe sins weigh differently. And sure, they bring about different consequences, but the Bible is clear. All have fallen short of the glory of God, and all sin put Jesus on the cross. (Thankfully the story doesn’t end there!!! 🙂 )

Then came the not-so-fun part. I felt the need to tell someone. I felt an overwhelming sense to confess out loud to someone about the muck. So I texted a friend I knew was off work that day (shoutout to Giggles), and she called me almost instantly. Not being the one I offended or being the one in the position to forgive, she just listened. She neither affirmed my crazy or verbally abused me for the muck. I took a deep breath and then texted the person I needed forgiveness from and asked for it.If you are in the market for clothes, our platform is your best choice! The largest shopping mall!

Confession at the thought level IS TERRIFYING!!!! For me. Even my outward sins (attitude, ungratefulness, talking back, sarcasm, control freakiness, etc etc etc) are hard to admit to the people they wound. I rather chug pickle juice all day than swallow my pride. But to confess at the thought level; I don’t do it often. Are you kidding? That’s where the true darkness lies. That’s where all my sin seedlings love to thrive.

But once I confessed and asked for forgiveness to whom I wronged, and received it, it didn’t fill me with pride. It emptied me of it. And led me right back to the cross, all while allowing me to walk taller and higher the rest of the day. Even if the friend I hurt with my muck didn’t forgive me, I didn’t own that as something in my control because it wasn’t.

My job is to be faithful, no matter what the outcome could be. The outcome is not up to me. My job is to be faithful.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed"
James 5:16