Don’t discount pain.
This pain is a part of your story.
This pain is a part of your testimony.
But you get to choose.
You get to choose whether you run from it or if you face it.
Only you can make that decision.
Only you can decide to get out of bed, even if you have to crawl, leaving your tear-stained bed pillowcase to find the pillow on the living room couch and water it with the same tears you just cried an hour earlier.
Minimizing the reality of the hurt only intensifies it.
Maybe not in the same way.
Maybe this time it will come out in an infection or health-related issue, or multiple.
I’m not saying this to scare you, I’m telling you as a warning.
Your body will always keep the scorecard you just want to throw away and burn.
Mental health plays a huge role when it comes to physical health. And vice versa. Same with spiritual health.
Your body will always keep score.
A while back I was going through days where I stayed in bed all day. Me the girl who hates sitting still and is known by her friends and colleagues as the “doer”. Me the girl who has to force herself to be still and wait. I have had days where all I do is just stare at the wall wondering when it will be “okay” again. I’ve had those thoughts pester and consume me. Over and over I kept thinking “I just want to be okay… I just want to be okay again…”.
One day another round of sorrow and anxiety came to knock on the door of my heart.
Too tired to answer, I fell asleep. Only to wake up to the same knocking, this time louder and more steady. Eventually, the sound began to sound, well, normal. Like when a friend knocks on our front door. It sounded like someone I knew and so I rose to answer. However, right before I twisted the doorknob to let it in, I called a friend.
My friend knew all about what I was walking through so I knew I could call her. Within moments, I was inviting myself over to sit on her couch. Moments later, there I was sitting on her couch. Telling her about the deep desire to be okay. Telling her how I would have given anything to just run away from it all. And you know what she did?
She told me the very same thing I am telling you today.
That it is okay to not be okay.
It is okay to not be okay. But it is not okay to stay that way for long.
She also reminded me that there is no timeline for grief and that everyone’s calendar looks different. Just like how we all mourn differently, we all grieve differently. What works for you will not work for me.
Especially when you are grieving different things all at once. Because at this time I was, and to an extent, still am.
During this season, I had lost two very special people 8-9 weeks from each other. With each of those losses came lost dreams and memories with each that I will never get back or be able to live out. Then my body started revolting. It hated as much as I did going through the emotions of every 24 hours being a hardpressed fight for clarity and not relying on my own understanding and strength. Pouring over truth fixed my mindset one hour, to be then led to hearing the knocks of darkness at the door of my heart again. The cycle repeated itself several times through the day and quite frankly, I was so sick of the battle.
But that’s just it. We are being called into battle even when we don’t feel like going.
We are called to fight again. To rise again.
To do the next and faithful thing.
Not sitting on the sidelines. But being in the game. Being in the trenches.
Even when it hurts. Even when it’s excruciating. Even when you can’t see past your own nose about what’s around the corner.
So before you get up and answer the door, sister I plead with you, let someone in.
Let someone into your life so they can not only sit with you and hold your hand but tell you hard truths (when you’re ready) that will help you long term. Don’t look for someone to pet your ego and simply just say “it’s going to be okay” but point you to truth over and over and help draw up a road map on how this will be used for the glory of God in your life and in the lives of others.
Because like I mentioned to you on this blog before, this isn’t our story.
We need people around us to remind us of that.
The pain feels personal, but it’s not.
It’s a tool. The pain you are feeling is a tool to sharpen you.
To make you more and more like the God who loves you too much to let you go through life alone.
He also uses that pain, to bring people to him.
To make people see him in a whole new and fresh way.
Like he just did.
