May 3, 2014

I remember waking up and knew it was coming.

And honestly, I do not know where those thoughts came from. They just appeared out of nowhere, as soon as I opened my eyes to the sound of my alarm, bam! They were there. It was an exceptionally normal day, Ryan had asked me to join him on an adventure to one of our favorite places in the world and I had consented days ago. Nothing provoked the thought except maybe it was a little encouraged by conversations we had in the past. Even the night before none of my thoughts led to that topic. The topic of marriage.

But on Saturday, May 3, 2014 I had a huge inkling that it was going to be today. Today I was going to be asked if I wanted to be a wife. Not just anyone’s wife, but Ryan’s.

As I got ready I found myself putting on my best perfume and eyeliner (big deal). It was May, but the hazy clouds and lack of sun allowed my wardrobe to be tweaked from it’s normal spring colors to a white sweater. During the process of breakfast eating, rocking out to music in the shower, and listening to my roommate’s plans for the day, I became a little giddy. A little too giddy for a normal date with Ryan (which always made/makes me giddy). I had to stop.

You see my inklings can be deceived, I am after all, human. Sometimes I am blessed with the kind of intuition that leave me and others gaping in wonder and other times I am just wrong. Dead, dead wrong. I really didn’t want this to be one of those times.

I would like to pause here and tell you that this is not how I handle everything in my life. I wish I could. I dream of being able to tell you, internet reader, that I always start my days and my decisions off with my nose in the carpet and my soul lifted high in prayer with the plea of “take my life…” but I am sad to say that my carpet sees more of my feet and food crumbs than it does my knees some days.

But on Saturday, May 3, 2014 I spent twenty precious minutes in the fetal position, rocking back and forth in prayer, begging, that I enjoy every moment of the day I had been given. My prayer became a plea and desire of my heart that I enjoy the stage that I was in. That Ryan and I were in. That no matter what came my way, I wouldn’t wish my days away, but take them all one at a time and be fully present in each and every moment.

Last night I was challenged with the fact that I have only asked this request once in my life. Only once (the one you just read about) have I asked for the honor, the patience, and the courage to endure one day at a time.

This world is dark. You don’t even need cable anymore to tell you that children are getting eaten by alligators, that humans can be so full of hate that their consequences can cost others their lives, that people are scared, lonely, tired and just need answers and are going to extremes to find it. Opinions that differ can either result in more freedom or more constraints, depending the environment they are said in.

There have been days recently where fear grips my heart, hope and joy and threatens to choke all the life and love out of me. But that’s all it can do is threaten. All fear can do is put the white flag in your hand, but it’s up to you if you wave it. You have to surrender your joy and your hope and I’m here to tell you.
Don’t.

Don’t wave the white flag.

Right before they got to Mordor, Frodo from the classic the Lord of the Rings, Frodo asked his companion Sam (my favorite character) what they were fighting for. What was the point. What are they holding on to. Frodo openly admits he cannot do it. He can’t go on.

Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.  

Keep fighting. Keep hoping. Keep taking one day at a time.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

Need help? Get your nose in the carpet friend, there is no way we can do any of this alone.

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Oh… and it turned out my inklings were correct. I said YEAH! to being a wife. The second best decision I have ever made.