I remember the day before 2013 as if it were yesterday. Filled with anticipation of the year ahead, my boyfriend was sweet enough to attend Midnight Madness in Port Clinton with me, for a few hours at least. It was snowing heavily as we gazed up and looked at the heavy walleye fish that was set to drop at exactly midnight. We shared a fabulous dinner at Slater’s Pub in downtown while taking hundreds of pictures for my place of employment. I was excited, as always, to ring in the new year… I couldn’t wait to see what 2013 would bring.
Today I sit in the ninth month of the year 2013, and with three more months to go, I’m scared to type the next few words. This year has been the hardest year of my life.
Despite seeing my brother tied to an emergency room table, same with my dear grandmommy. Despite watching my grandmother’s ashes poured out with love from my handsome grandpa’s trembling hands on top of her infant son’s grave. Despite knowing my brother was a resident in the psychiatric ward in a local hospital. Despite hearing my father’s tears on the other side of the phone. Or seeing him cry for the first time in my life…
I have hope.
This hope doesn’t come from the man whose hand I was holding when the clock struck midnight on 1/1/13. This hope does not come with the closure of knowing I actually get to see my brother again. Nor does it come from knowing my Grandmommy is in Heaven.
No.
This hope comes from the Creator of Heaven and Earth himself.
I don’t want people’s sympathy, that’s not what this post is about. This post is to point your eyes toward my beloved Jesus. My beloved Jesus who looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the whole world. My Jesus who is in fact, my very best friend. He’s the one not just holding my hand, but holding me.
I remember praying all of the year 2012 that God would allow me to draw close to him. That he would wake me up from the slumber I had been in. The lukewarm bubble bath I had long bathed in.
And he did. Jesus comes at all times, but especially in the times of sorrow, brokenness, despair, loneliness. I have felt all of these feelings and more this year. But my Jesus has not left me.
And this my dear internet stalker and friend, is crucial.
Jehovah Jara has become my favorite name of God. (He WILL provide… He works ahead). God doesn’t just care about moment to moment of your life, he cares about the big picture. The whole picture of your life. The terrible events of 2013 would have been extremely horrible if they happened in any other order than in which they did.
May you take away one simple truth if nothing at all from this post: My God is good. All the time. Even when life isn’t.
“The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go.” –Deuteronomy 1:30-33
