Do you ever feel not good enough? You wake up in the morning and since you got into the bathroom and flipped on the light, all you can think of is how in the world NyQuil and blood got stuck in your newly washed hair? Instead of laughing at the mystery of it, it’s the very thing that sparks a roller coaster of negativity that just keeps going down and down.
Maybe it’s just me. But I write in hope that I’m not alone.
After you clean out the blood and NyQuil from your hair (seriously blogger friends, what the heck?) you look yourself in the mirror and you are anything but kind and gentle. Each blemish and “error” on your face reminds you of something in your heart that is twice as ugly. Your laziness, your incompatibility, your loneliness, you know the stuff. It’s gross but you never notice how bad those negative attributes taste until much later. You never notice how dirty you are until you’re clean.
I often struggle with my identity. It’s so easy to find myself in relationships, in the quality time shared, in nature’s bright blue skies and pink/orange sunsets, in making people laugh, in doing good things… when I think of others it’s so easy to ignore my own mess.
I feel more nudges of conviction about this than anything else. Soft whispers that say…
“My steadfast love (to you Ariel) never ceases, my mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. Great is my faithfulness…” (Lamentations 3:22-23)
“My love (for you) is relentless.”
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be afraid. For I am with you, (Ariel), wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
“You (Ariel) have this hope..an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…” (Hebrews 6:9)
“I am within you (Ariel), you will not fall, I will be with you when morning dawns” (Psalm 46:5-6)
“You are no longer a slave to fear, you are a child of God.”
“You (Ariel) are the light of the world. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden.” (Matthew 5:14)
“Perhaps you (Ariel) have been created for a time such as this..” (Ester 4:14)
How thankful I am for God’s truth that overpowers mine.
Most days.
I wouldn’t be human and honest if I told you there are days that even those don’t help quench the darkness. Some days I pick up my weapons and my voice gets even louder at screaming my faults at me. Even if I repeat a verse over and over again in my head, I still weigh the statement in my mind, wondering if it can possibly be true. If I’m truly loved by the king of kings. If I’m truly wanted.
The battle sometimes lasts hours, days, weeks even. I’m left wounded. By my own hand.
But as I pick up the washcloth and start to I wash my face, start cleaning the streaks of blood and NyQuil away I hear this truth said to my heart. Not audibly, only soft enough for my soul to hear it. I really stretch to listen, ready to catch any word that is said…
You are wanted. Have faith of what I have said because I’m saying it to you now. They aren’t just musty, dry words that have been read for thousands of years. They are living and breathing. Me and you, we aren’t against each other, I am for you. I am fighting, yes. Fighting hard. But I am fighting FOR your heart. FOR you. Put down your word weapons and stop beating yourself up with them. You are mine. You are wanted and desired. You are more than just a face and not just a number. And I’m not giving up on you.
I will never give up on you. Ever.
